As adults, we have probably gone through periods of being single and periods when we were part of a couple.  I know both the joys and the pitfalls of being in a relationship. I also know the lightness and perks that come with being single, as well as the bouts of “single girl pain” (really wanting a relationship and feeling lonely).

My long-term, romantic relationship abruptly ended at the beginning of 2020, shortly after the pandemic hit.  I’ve been through break ups before, but 2020 felt different.  The isolation during the pandemic has taken loneliness to a whole new level. I have had a lot of time to myself with very few distractions. My single girl pain has been exacerbated tenfold by the tumultuous year that was 2020.  Lonely has never felt so lonely.

A follower on my Baytherapist blog asked me to discuss how to manage loneliness during this time. I had a hard time answering the question because I was trying to manage it myself. Going through a break up at a time when it is hard to meet new people and hard to spend time with the people in your support system (family and friends), presents even more challenges on top of the loss of a partner. I have had just about a year to process how my life was completely taken off course.  I’m starting to get better and feel ready to share what I know from personal experience and what I know as a therapist.

This is what I know about managing loneliness and isolation.

The first step in preserving our mental health is to reframe our thinking about being single. The mindset attached to being single is the idea that one is missing something or is operating from a place of loss. The focus is mostly on loss rather than what might have been gained.

 FACT: It is good for our mental health to see our lives in full context. Meaning, life isn’t “black or white.” Our lives are gray. Multiple things can be true at once. Yes, being single means, you are without a romantic relationship. And also true, being single allows you the opportunity to gain things like independence, time to pursue goals, and freedom from having to compromise on things that are important to us. It’s very important to expand our lens to take in the whole picture rather than making loss the focal point.  Focusing solely on the loss leads to prolonged sadness, depression, low mood, etc. Acknowledging the “pros and cons” of what has happened to us helps us maintain our wellness. We have to acknowledge that there may be opportunities in being single.  

One of the biggest opportunities in being single is that it allows for lots of time to pour into your own development. Even in the best relationships, it can be challenging making time to dedicate yourself to your personal goals. Being single can be empowering because when there is no one else to depend on, you learn what you are made of and that you can take care of yourself.  Being single means that you can do what pleases you, and you don’t have to base your decisions on what you are going to wear or have for dinner or anything else on what is going to please another person.

Myth: Being single means you are alone. Again, multiple things can be true. Being single may feel lonely at times, but it may not necessarily be true that you are alone. Our lives can be full of so much love: including the love we have with our friends and family. We often place the most emphasis on romantic love and relationships while forgetting the other important relationships in our lives.  We may not fully appreciate all of the other ways that love shows up for us from our friends, parents, kids, and even our pets when we elevate romantic love to the only love that matters or the most important love on the list. Lastly, there is the love you have for yourself.  For me, what has been helpful is remembering that I am already in my forever relationship with myself! I can stop searching for my forever relationship because I’m already in it. Keeping in mind that I am in a relationship with myself has helped me feel less lonely.

Another myth: The road not taken would have been better. In our society, we don’t celebrate the choice to be single. This reminds me of one of my favorite lines from Sex and the City when Carries says, “They don’t make a ‘Good job you didn’t marry the wrong guy card’.” We often assume that being with someone would make our lives better. The truth: we don’t know. FACT: We have no idea where any of our chosen paths will lead us. Choices are half chance. What helps maintain our mental health is truly understanding and being okay with one’s individual path. From a spiritual perspective, trust that things are working out the way they are “supposed to.”

Ways that I have learned to manage being single and isolated.

*Fall back in love with activities that bring joy.

*Think about ways to improve the relationship with yourself- What ways do you honor your body, spirit, mind?

*Honor your other love domains- engage with friends and family (we’re still in the pandemic, so engage safely).

*Create more passion in your life by engaging in personal development- what are your dreams, goals, aspirations? Being alone allows more time and opportunity to pour into oneself. As a therapist, I have witnessed the power of this very important step. The more you pour into yourself and your passions- the more the love for life becomes real.

*Know that it is okay if there are days when you feel lonely; that’s a part of the process, but try to “bring yourself back” by thinking about what you do have.  Remember, we have to see our lives in full context. We shouldn’t only focus on what we don’t have.

*End each day, thinking about what made the day amazing. It helps to keep gratitude at the forefront of our minds (The 5-minute journal is a great purchase to help with this- you can get it on Amazon).

*Try to reframe thinking from being fearful about the future to being eager and excited for what is to come. For example, instead of thinking in fear “Will I be alone forever?” Think, “I can’t wait to see who enters into my life and who I will become.”

There are many elements that create a textured life. Trust me, the meaning of life doesn’t boil down to your relationship status. We create meaning in our lives by engaging with our hobbies, interests, friends, families, and personal dreams. The best thing we can do for our mental health is changing our mindset from “all or nothing” thinking (“if I am single, then I am not worthy or can’t be happy”) to “gray” thinking (I want romantic love, but my life is still dope without it”). It’s vital to always consider the ways our lives still hold value.