Grief is Testimony to Love
Grief, for me, has been the theme of 2020. We all have collectively had to deal with the loss of life in the way we knew it. We had to involuntarily dive into a new lifestyle. For all of the people who had added personal life stressors, on top of everything else- this was a lot!
Let me just put it out there. What helps me cope with grief and loss is remembering that grief is a sign of love. Grief is testimony to love. I take some comfort in knowing that I don’t passively live this life alone. I am attached to things and the people in my world. Grief is the price I pay for having the love that I have for my life, for the love I give, and for my being loved. You all remember that saying, “It’s better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all”? I believe there is some truth to that. Our grief is an indicator of what we have placed great value on.
I understand that I am posing a philosophical understanding of grief. But don’t get me wrong, I understand that there are “levels to this” and each stage of grief can be hard to get through:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
Remember that grief is not a linear process- meaning that you can go through different stages at different times and “back and forth.” For example, you can be in the bargaining stage and making negotiations with an ex (i.e. “I promise I will stop complaining if you just take me back!”) and then go back to denial stage and can’t acknowledge the break up is final.
The thing we don’t discuss enough is the last stage of acceptance. There is this concept that we just “move on” one day. I don’t know if we “move on.” I think acceptance is about understanding the pain that was experienced BUT being eager for what’s to come. As humans, we don’t like uncertainty- and that is what makes “moving on” so hard. We get catapulted into having to navigate the unknown and that can be scary. Trust me, I understand. What helps me cope is trying to remain excited about all of the wonderful things I believe will come into my life.
The two tricks that I have for coping with loss: 1) Remembering that I am a person who has the capacity to love and be loved, that I am someone who is engaged with life. Being an engaged person contributes to a full life. 2) Trying to be “okay” with not knowing what the future holds by reframing thinking from being fearful to being hopeful and excited for what’s to come. My favorite question to ask clients is: “In an ideal world, what would life look like?” Once someone get an idea of what their ideal world entails, active steps can start being made to make that happen. Just the concept of taking steps helps our mental health and encourages excitement for the future.