Arguing over “little”things is healthy

“We argue over the smallest things, it’s stupid. We should be arguing over big stuff, not little things that don’t even matter.” -Angry wife in couple’s therapy

Disagreements over “little” things are a common complaint for couples, and it isn’t surprising how little things become argue worthy. True story, my partner and I once got into an argument about tacos that I left in the fridge for him. Yes, tacos. You read that correctly; the argument was over tacos. My younger self would have seen this as a problem using the logic of “if we argue over small things, what will happen when we face the big things?”

One of my clients commented that when she was in a previous relationship, the arguments were about big things, mostly surrounding infidelity. For her, those kinds of arguments were normal. She became increasingly frustrated with the small arguments she and her current partner were having because they were so small in comparison to the kinds of things that she and her ex would fight about. Compared to arguments over infidelity, the everyday kinds of problems seemed too insignificant to even bring up. The truth is, most of the problems that come up between people are the everyday type.

I am a firm believer in what I am going to say next: big problems sometimes are just “drama.” Drama can takeover when it becomes the main focus. When we are solely focused on the “drama” piece of the relationship, we don’t really focus on the person, sometimes even miss the things that we need to know about what makes that person who they are, their idiosyncrasies, their specific personality traits. We are so caught up in the drama (i.e. infidelity) that we imagine if it were gone, the relationship would be perfect. I am arguing that it’s hard to know what the relationship would be like because we haven’t had an opportunity to analyze the small details of who our partner really is. It is interesting, the things we start to learn when we are paying attention to the little things like the way they eat, engage with their friends, the way they need alone time, their “dirty” habits, and the things that irritate them. Arguing over small things is all a part of the process of just learning to deal with another person. There will be days when you argue over who was the last one to take out the trash, who lost the remote, and why does someone talk so loud on the phone.

I believe if you have someone who wants to be a part of your life getting through and working out the small stuff is a necessary part of learning how to be with each other. Dealing with the small stuff opens up communication, lessens resentments, and prepares couples for dealing with the big stuff when it happens.