Less Than Perfect Parents
Discussing less than perfect parents are a big topic in therapy. To clarify, I am not talking about the abusive and/or neglectful parents. I am talking about the less than perfect parents, who were around and did not or could not show up in the ways that we wish they could have. I have some suggestions to help heal from the less than perfect relationships with our parents. I am not making any suggestions about whether you should forgive them or not; I am pointing out things that may assist in healing.
Before we really get started, I want to highlight why we sometimes don’t practice forgiveness. Holding on to anger toward who we feel wronged us is a way to mentally keep punishing the person. It’s our way of trying to gain control over the past that we cannot change. It’s cliché, but have you ever heard that forgiving is for you and not for the person? Well, yes. It’s true. Forgiving is about letting go of anger and truly accepting what happened.
The first step in healing:
Know your parent’s story. In my opinion, this is the most crucial part of the healing process. As kids, we think of our parents as superheroes and with this, we place certain expectations. We get a little older and learn that our parents are these imperfect people, which is a big fall from the original superhero theory. Our parents are people. I always remind my clients that our parents were people (with their own histories, personalities, traumas, and flaws) before we were ever born. Our parents were these people before they were parents. It is important to know their stories and discover what life events shaped them. I encourage people to talk to their parents directly and ask questions about their upbringing. If that’s not possible, I encourage talking to other family members who know your parents well. Knowing more about your parents does one crucial thing- it helps you not take everything personally. You learn that based on your parents’ histories, they may have had a limited capacity to show up in the way you would’ve liked. We begin to learn that our parents may have done the best they could, or they did what they believed was “okay.”
Really listen to the story and focus less on the outcome. This is probably the toughest part. Let me start off with an example. I have more than one client, who had an absent parent due to substance use. One of my clients held a hard grudge toward her father because he did not play an active role in her childhood. Once, her dad shared a story that when she was a child, she picked up one of his drug paraphernalia and offered it to him. I believe, this was an example of why her father may have decided not to be around. Her father believed that he was exposing his daughter to too much and therefore decided to create distance. It’s hard to accept this story because of the outcome- that he wasn’t in her life. When her father would try to explain his actions, my client would often have a rebuttal about how he should’ve been there because she was still focused on what happened (the outcome). The hardest part is being present in the story and coming to a true understanding of why our parents made the decisions that they made. Although it can be argued that my client’s father “should” have found ways to manage or defeat his drug addiction, at the time, in his space, her father made the best decision he knew how to make at the time.
What did you get from other people? This is my favorite step. Many times, clients focus on what they didn’t get from their parents, and they function from a place of loss. I often hear clients say things like, “My dad didn’t teach me how to be a man”, “My mom didn’t show me how to have respect for myself”, or “I didn’t learn how to communicate effectively in my family. All we did was scream at each other.” Often when children grow up and they feel like they didn’t receive life lessons and advice from their parents, it can sometimes be missed what we learned from other people. It’s important to think about all of the other influences and people that may have helped model and support us. For example, a client shared with me all of the wonderful teachers that took an interest and took my client “under their wing.” A teacher took my client on a college tour; which shaped her entire career. My client had many conversations with her grandmother who taught her a lot. I have another client who had a social network later in life that helps her learn more about emotions and communication. It’s good to think about all of the experiences and people who have been beneficial in one’s life. If we operate from the idea that we only get information and lessons from our parent and focus on what we didn’t get from them, we may forget to recognize all of the other loving people and influences that have helped shape us.
What did you get from your parents? Try and answer this question. Revisiting the example of my client, whose father was drug addicted and had limited influence in her childhood, she mentioned that as she has gotten older, she realized that she likes to read, just like her father. My client also believes that she inherited his sense of humor. Even though her father was not present, she likes to believe that she borrowed the “best parts of him.” Also, it is because of witnessing her father’s struggles, she has taken a personal interest in doing community work. My client now can reframe some aspects of how she views her father’s influence in her life by embracing the positive traits that she shares with her father and by understanding that her experience with him has influenced her passion for community work. Seeing our parents in full context, that they are not all bad, helps in our healing.
If initiating a better relationship with your parents- Be realistic with expectations. I want to first acknowledge that being the initiator of creating a better relationship with your parents may seem unfair. I often hear the argument that it is the parent’s responsibility to initiate. Even if that is true, I think the question is what do you want? I often encourage clients to take the steps toward what they want. If you want a better relationship with your parent, it is okay to take steps toward that goal. Just remember when making contact and taking steps toward a relationship, be realistic with expectations. Remember that your parents are who they are, and they will show up in the capacity that that they can. Also keep in mind, that it will be a work in progress. For example, I had a client complain to me that she tried to be “open” with her mom and she claimed that her mom “refused” to change.” She spoke with her mom once trying to open some emotional conversations and her mom was not receptive. I pointed out that trying once may not be enough- that family dynamics take time to change. The ultimate rule: to change family dynamics, you must change your role. In this case, I encouraged my client to walk into her new way of communicating with mom and be consistently open. Client update, her mom has been making small changes and has been sharing a little more about herself. It takes time. And lastly, remember that your parents may never change but at least you will know that you tried and you will be able to go on without regrets.
Parents can be a “tricky” topic because of all the people in the world, we can be the most disappointed by our parents. As children, we have a strong need and desire that our parents will have it all figured out. The reality is that some people have it more figured out than others, but we are all people. My favorite saying is that “people do people things.” It’s about leaving room to see our parents’ humanity, even when we feel like they failed us. To help in our healing, it is about understanding that the poor decisions our parents made were not our fault and what they did or didn’t do was not a representation of our value or worth.