The pandemic and our world being on literal shut down have forced many of us to re-think the way we live our lives.  Many of have asked the question, “What makes me happy?” 

Let me first say that I believe that many of us struggle to find happiness because we have not defined what happiness personally means to us.  Society, pop culture, and social media have promoted a false sense of what one must have to feel happy.  We see a flurry of images of people on extravagant vacations, in their happy marriages, doing cool stunts, partying like the rich, wearing the best clothes, showcasing their perfect bodies, engaging in cool hobbies, etc. There is a culture that suggests that we must and should feel ecstatically happy all the time and always be “living our best lives.” The challenge then becomes coping with an unrealistic expectation of maintaining consistently high levels of happiness and feeling as if there is something horribly wrong if we are not on a continuous, happiness high.

Oxford defines happy: (adj) Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

We have learned to view simple pleasure or contentment as subpar and “not good” enough because of an elevated expectation about what it means to be happy.  In fact, many people who seek therapy despise the times when they feel “just” content. It is like the effect that drugs have on an addict.  At first, the effect of the drug causes euphoria, but that high does not last forever and is followed by a crashing low.  A person can become so addicted to the artificially high levels of pleasure that it becomes a challenge to enjoy the day-to-day simple pleasures that may have previously provided joy.

Fundamentally, I believe that we must be mindful that feeling happy is not just made up of peak experiences, but that happiness can be found in more common ways that express themselves in simply being content or even more simply not being unhappy. Therefore, it is especially important to start defining what it means to be happy for ourselves and not rely on the influences around us to define happiness for us. I worked with a client who often reported that she was unhappy. Once, she described how she was preparing to go on a trip and was thinking about posting a lot of photos on social media to be a “content creator.” Later, she admitted that while on vacation she likes to be “in the moment” and does not like to be overly distracted with taking photos. I asked her why she considered posting photos and she explained that it is cool when other people do it. It was apparent that my client was in distress having to choose between two contradictory forces, one that internally gives her pleasure by living “in the moment” and the second, navigating a vacation like other people on social media. She was basing happiness on an idea of what happiness is supposed to look like by comparing her life to other people’s lives instead of being content with what really brings her pleasure, not just an idea of pleasure, but pleasure that is based on her own reality.

How To Live a Happy Life:

Identify simple pleasures. Every day, there is an opportunity for joy in our routine activities. Maybe it warmed your heart when you opened a door for someone one and the person sweetly thanked you. Maybe you noticed a beautiful blue sky full of puffy clouds. Maybe you made dinner and it came out perfectly. Maybe you talked to a friend and laughed together.  Maybe your favorite TV show came on today. Maybe you came across $5 you left in a jean pocket. We cannot base our happiness solely on grand events because they likely do not happen every day, which makes it all the more important to notice the “little” things in a regular day that bring pleasure.

Define happiness for yourself. Happiness is associated with self-esteem, confidence, and being pleased with yourself and your choices. It is important to do things that make you pleased with yourself. It is about asking yourself the question, “What makes me feel good?” Identify the sources for feeling good and do those things as much as possible.

Here are questions that I think can help:

What energizes you?

Describe a successful day. What made it successful?

What are you good at?

What is working well?

What small thing could you do that would make a difference?

What does a good day look like for you? What makes it a good day?

What achievements have you have made? How did you make them happen?

What inspires you?

What do you like doing? What makes this enjoyable?

What do you find comes easily to you?

The answers to these questions will help you to identify your interests, skills, and positive trait attributes. Once you identify those things, start to incorporate those strengths and skills into your daily life.

Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it is hard but try not to compare your life to others. With social media, it may seem impossible not to compare. What helps me is keeping in mind this quote:

“Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.” (“Advice, like youth, probably wasted on the young.” Amy Schmich. Chicago Tribune. 1997).

It is important to also keep in mind that our journey is our journey- no one else’s. On a spiritual level, it is about trusting that we are on the right path, that everything that happened was supposed to happen and everything is working out in the ways meant for you.

Plus, let’s be real, everyone posts their highlight reel. If you compare yourself to images you see on social media, it will always be an unfair comparison. There is a lot that goes behind a photo and you are probably not getting all there is to the story. Keep focusing on you.

Keep positive relationships. It is important to have healthy relationships. Speaking again to what we can get wrong in our interpretations of what we see on social media, there is often a theme that implies that to be happy, you must be married and have tons of friends and a tight knit family. In real life, there are things that don’t make it to an Instagram feed.  You don’t have to be doing something extraordinarily special. Meaningful relationships that add to our happiness and well-being is often made up of the time we have spent talking and listening to one another, the kind of thing that you don’t snap a photo of because an audience on social media might not be impressed.  The quality of our relationships is not defined by how many exciting things we do together. The key is that the relationships that we do have, whether few or many are positive in our lives. Being in the wrong relationships contributes greatly to poor mental health. Choose your circle of friends wisely and stay connected with people who build you up.

Get rid of “IF-THEN.” Many of us have goals and desire new things in our lives- This is a wonderful thing! However, many of us hold our happiness hostage until we obtain the thing, we think we want. For example, “IF I my make more money, THEN I will be happy.” “IF I get married, THEN I will feel worthy.” “IF I lose weight, THEN I will be confident.” Earning money, being in a loving marriage, and losing weight can all be great goals. But again, before reaching those goals, there are still ways to feel happy, worthy, and confident. Identifying the day-to-day things that bring about positive feelings helps us stay rooted in gratitude for what we currently have. The “IF-THEN” game can be a dangerous one because we may always want something new, and we can stay in this perpetual cycle of we cannot be happy because we are constantly without something. It is hard to achieve happiness operating from a place of loss. Have goals while also staying in gratitude for the exact life you are living. Your life is valuable now and worth appreciating.      

Normalize that you will not be ecstatic all the time. I know this sounds weird, but maintaining our overall well-being requires staying mindful that we will not experience the highest levels of joy every day. The emotions within the “happy” category vary in degree including a range of feelings including pleasure, contentment, joy, calm, stability, being silly, etc. Leave room for all the ways, big and small, for how happiness shows up.

Happiness is a choice. As adults, we must be more intentional about making this choice.  With all the responsibilities that loom over us, it may seem impossible to focus in on what makes us happy. A friend described adulting responsibilities as a “dark cloud.” That’s why it is important to make a daily intention and choice to acknowledge the things we are grateful for, enjoy simple pleasures, see new things, and continuously find ways to feel good about ourselves.